Dominant/submissive
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Be patient! Until you enter into a relationship with a submissive, you have no more right to order him/her around than does anyone else. Give your bottom time to get to know you and what you are like. Finesse and subtlety are major elements of dominance. Similarly, strength and gentleness go hand in hand. The sensitivity and awareness (or lack thereof) that you show in the real world is likely to be repeated in the playroom.
Be humble. You may be God's/Goddess' gift to the world, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunities to show how good you are - and plenty of opportunities to make a fool of yourself. No matter what you claim, the "real you" will show through in a scene. Don't set yourself up for a failure by developing expectations that you know you can never reach.
Be open. Although the top is classically considered to be the teacher in D/s-SM, you can always learn from your bottom, no matter how inexperienced. Be willing to learn from other dominants who may have a totally different perspective from yours. Try to approach by-now-familiar trips with an attitude of wonderment and discovery. Be aware that everyone has her or his own personal style.
Communicate! You are responsible for finding out basic, essential information about the people you play with, such as experience, limits, likes and dislikes, and health information. Playing D/s-SM without this knowledge is like Russian roulette. Talk about your head-space and your view of D/s-SM with your bottom, so that any uncertainties can be dealt with before you start playing. Clearly spell out roles, rules, limits, and contracts. Do not take for granted that your bottom instinctively knows the ground rules.
Be honest. If you lack experience in an area that your bottom would like to experiment with, be honest about it. Your partner has a right to know that. Be honest with yourself and take your submissive only to those levels at which you are completely in control of the situation. Safety should always be the first concern, taking priority over how hot a particular scene is.
Be sensitive. There's a very fine line between a sensitive, caring dominant and a self-righteous, insensitive overbearing clod. Your scene should be a creative synthesis of your needs and fantasies and your bottom's needs and fantasies. Although, on the surface, your submissive is serving you, what actually is happening is that dominant and submissive are serving each other. Earn the complete trust of your submissive and never violate or even threaten to violate that trust. His or her submission is a gift to you. Use it appropriately.
Be realistic. End the scene with the bottom wanting more, not wishing there had been less. Remember that power, control, and sensitivity are the keys, not just the intensity of the stimulation. Be clear about what is fantasy, and has little to do with what works in practice. Your favorite porno picture books may be stimulating in themselves, but don't try to imitate them to the last detail.
Be really dominant! Submissives are looking for someone who will take over their body and mind, not just for brute strength. Real people are wanted, not just cardboard images from cigarette ads or macho stereotypes. Your dominance enhances your whole existence. It does not cover up or substitute for other areas of your life - it is you. Make your submissive fall in love with you, and expect him or her to give him/herself up to you totally. Follow up on rules, expect obedience, and punish appropriately when it is called for. Don't shirk your responsibility to your bottom or to your sister/fellow tops. Be dependable and expect dependability. You have agreed to take the dominant role - now take it!
Be healthy! Like any strenuous activity, SM requires that its participants be in top physical and emotional health. Many factors, including the amount you Sleep, your eating habits, and your alcohol and drug intake affect your performance and endurance during a scene. Don't attempt to do SM when your physical or emotional energy is low. As a dominant you have a special responsibility to be in control of yourself and on top of the scene. An attitude of "drugs and alcohol don't affect me that much... I can do it anyway" violates your submissive's trust in you and can be dangerous. If you don't want to accept the responsibilities, you shouldn't be playing the game!
Have fun! After all, sex is all about having a good time. You have earned, and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasures which come from responsible, creative SM play.

this designation is relegated for play. It's a definition of roles. The top is the hitter, the bottom is the one getting hit. Pretty basic. There is often some dominance and submission during play by virtue of the fact that one person is beating another and it is difficult to be hitting and not be dominant (although it can be done) just as it is difficult to receive a beating and not get into a submissive headspace (although again it can be done.) I've seen dominants take beatings so they know what it feels like and can gauge their play and i've seen submissives give beatings because they were asked to, but that simply meant that they were taking the top or the bottom role, for that moment during that beating and it wasn't carried outside of the scene or dungeon.
this designation is your orientation, it is how you identify. You pretty much either are a Dominant/submissive or you aren't. It is your personality, your tendencies, how you react and view the world; it is basically your worldview. A Dominant seeks to control their environment and often to manipulate it to a desired result. A submissive in perfect compliment seeks to be controlled, to surrender to the Dominant's force and personality and wishes. A Dominant is always dominant no matter the circumstance and a submissive is always a submissive. Dominance and submission is more emotional and psychological than topping and bottoming. It is carried outside the scene or dungeon into everyday life. For example i know a couple where the wife bottoms to her husband, they will play and he will beat or spank her, but in every other aspect of their lives she is in charge, she is in the dominant role. Whereas a friend that is a submissive cannot call out from work, even if she is deathly ill, without receiving permission to do so from her dominant. In addition, as mentioned before, because being dominant or submissive is your orientation, your personality, your worldview, you can be Dominant or submissive without a partner. You can be either of these things in a vacuum so to speak, you do not have to be it in relationship to something else. However, if you are Dominant/submissive you will undoubtedly seek out your compliment in the other person. Neither party is really fulfilled otherwise. The Dominant must have someone to control and the submissive craves to surrender and serve so without the relationship they will both be in a constant state of longing.
this designation is a person who can take either the Dominant or submissive role. The best example of being able to 'switch' is if your partner is also a 'switch'. In this case, both partners reverse their rolls.
this designation (by my definition) cannot exist in a vacuum. It is a role you occupy IN RELATION to something else. You cannot be a Master without a slave to make you so and vice versa. Now this isn't to say you must be a Master of a person. You might be a Master of the single tail, or a rope Master, or a Master of fireplay etc. Just as you can be a slave to your desires, or a slave to love; however, you will notice you are a Master OF or a slave TO. One does not exist without the other. Now within the community there are Grand Masters, which is an entitlement bestowed by others when a Master has achieved a certain standard of accomplishment. Also a Master whose slave has passed away will often still be referred to as Master as a sign of respect. But for those of you newbie Dominants that desire a Master/slave relationship i wouldn't recommend strutting around calling yourself a Master if you do not currently own a slave. You'll just look silly.

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To prevent any misunderstanding between players, they should understand the difference between a Dom and a Master, and a submissive and a slave.


Many inexperienced Doms believe that all that is required is simply ordering your sub around as you choose. It's not. There's much more to be said about what being a good Dom requires. Domination is not just giving random orders. A good Dom will find a way to cause the sub to desire pleasing the Dom. A Dom, or Dominant, is the protector, teacher, and lover to the sub. As the protector, the Dom must be a) stronger than the sub, and b) stronger than other people in the life of the sub. This does not mean that he has to be physically bigger or stronger. I am talking about character and personality. As the teacher, the Dom must be wise and, above all, right. The Dom should not arbitrarily punish the sub on a whim. There must be a reason. To do otherwise will break down the trust and security of the sub. The Dom has to be respected by the sub. Respect is a quality that is earned by the Dom being right, and issuing swift, correct justice and reward to the sub. The Dom is not there to inflict pain and degradation on the sub, but to give the sub a goal and a direction on how to love and please him. As the lover, the Dom is loving and, when appropriate, stern. He must recognize that he is the only source of pleasure for the sub. He must see to it that this area is not neglected. The Dom should, when appropriate, be gentle, supportive, and tender to the sub. A Dom/sub relationship is not just about overpowering. It is about the Dom caring for the well-being of the sub. If punishment is required to stop a destructive action by the sub, then it comes from the Dom. On the other hand, when correct action has been noted by the Dom, love and caring should come from him to the sub.


The Master is a higher gradient of control in D/s. The Master follows the same rules as a Dom, but in a stricter sense. The Master can have a slave, but may also call their slave a sub. The slave is owned or "collared" by the Master. The Master considers the slave a possession, but a highly valuable and loved one, the most valuable thing he owns. Offenses against the rules laid out by the Master are dealt with more severely, in most circumstances. Still, the Master, when pleased, flows great love and caring to his slave. The Master is also more protective of his slave because the slave is totally dependent on the Master.


To be sure, the slave serves; the Master receives. But that does not mean that the slave has no sense of self, or self-worth. Her needs are real, and she should leave a relationship where her needs are not met. The role of the submissive appears to be somewhat simpler, but in actuality, the sub plays a large role in shaping the D/s relationship. The sub's primary role is to follow her Dom's directions and to please the Dom. Being submissive does not mean that the sub is a doormat for the Dom. The sub is the Dom's companion, his student, and his lover. As a companion, the sub is treated with respect and dignity, is allowed to voice opinions, and allowed to share in the Dom's activities. This is the area where the sub is the most equal with the Dom. As a student, the sub learns how to please the Dom, and when done, expects to be rewarded by the Dom. Likewise, when not done or done incorrectly, the sub expects to be corrected and shown the right way to act. As a lover, the sub goes out of their way to please the Dom because they genuinely care for the well being of the Dom. The sub does this, not out of fear of pain or retribution, but because they wants to give the Dom pleasure. The sub does not want the Dom to be disappointed with them. The sub takes pleasure from the fact that the Dom is pleased.


The slave is a higher gradient of submissiveness in D/s. A slave's primary purpose in life is to serve the needs and desires of the Master. The slave relinquishes all control to the Master, because the slave knows the Master has her well-being totally at heart. The slave is marked by her Master in some fashion to show ownership. This can be done with a tattoo, a piercing, or even a physical collar. The Master/slave relationship tends to be more of a lifetime commitment to each other than a typical Dom/sub relationship. The slave is held to a higher standard of conduct and compliance than a typical sub, due to the fact that the slave has given control of their life to the Master.

• Dogslave Contract

  Below is a small excerpt of this contract...

  
  1. A dogslave must NEVER forget that he has surrendered his humanity to his Owner. ANY attempt by the dogslave to assume privileges or prerogatives of a human being will be SEVERELY punished.
  
  2. Dogslaves will always travel on hands and knees. When allowed to sit, they will sit doggie style. Dogslaves will NOT employ human furniture at any time without express permission.
  
  3. Dogslaves will communicate through a series of "WOOFs" as commanded by the Owner. Dogs will NOT speak in human tongues, nor will they bark or howl unless given permission to. Whimpering is allowed when being used or disciplined hard.
  
  4. Dogslaves shall perform all toilet functions on hands and knees, preferably outdoors, or on newspapers provided for that purpose. Dogslaves shall "hold it" unless permitted to relieve themselves. Other slaves will take care of bathing, shaving, brushing the dog's teeth and giving dogslaves a daily enema.
  
  

• Slave Contract One

  Below is a small excerpt of this contract...

  
  This contract is provided as a secure and binding agreement that defines in specific terms the relationship and interaction between two individuals, hereafter termed the slave and the Master. This agreement is binding only between the two people listed above and in no way represents a legally binding agreement. This agreement must be entered voluntarily with both parties agreeing to the conditions.
  
  Section One: The Master's Role
  The Master accepts the responsibility of the slave's body, to do with as he sees fit, under the provisions determined in this contract. The Master agrees to care for the slave and to arrange for the safety and wellbeing of the slave as long as he owns the slave. The Master also accepts the commitment to treat the slave properly, to train the slave, punish the slave, love the slave, and use the slave as he sees fit.
  
  Section Two: The Slave's Role
  The slave agrees to submit completely to the Master in all ways. There are no boundaries of place, time, or situation in which the slave may willfully refuse to obey the directive of the Master without risking punishment, except in the use of a safeword to be agreed upon and covered in this contract under the rules section. The slave also agrees that, once entered into the Slavery Contract, her body belongs to the Master, to be used as seen fit, within the guidelines defined herein. The slave agrees to please the Master to the best of her ability, in that she now exists solely for the pleasure of said Master. The slave belongs to the Master.
  
  

• Slave Contract Two

  Below is a small excerpt of this contract...

  
  Binding Agreement
  This slave, the undersigned, binds itself totally and completely, without limit, to servitude to the holder(s) of this Contract, hereinafter known as MISTRESS. [The singular form of the word 'MISTRESS' is used throughout this contract, though this word may apply to one or more persons delineated below. The slave is regarded henceforth as 'the slave' or 'it'] it acknowledges receipt of one dollar ($1) and other consideration that to this slave's is sufficient compensation. it certifies that it is at least 18 years old, is not now physically or mentally impaired by influence of any drugs, including alcohol, or other reason where it does not know what it is doing and is legally and mentally competent to contract in its own name. it is signing this document of its own free will, without coercion or pressure of any kind. No one has made any promises, guarantees, warranties, or offered threats or inducements of any kind to get this slave's to sign this Contract. With full understanding of the meanings and implications of this Contract, it specifically desires and request the control delineated and the activities mentioned herein. it specially desires and request MISTRESS to force this slave's to comply if necessary, using any means at MISTRESS's disposal without limit.
  
  Interpretative Discussion
  It understands that the Sixteenth Amendment prohibits slavery and involuntary servitude. Nevertheless, for its own purposes, it desires to revoke all rights as a person granted by any law or morality. It is signing this contract in an attempt to effect the status of a non-entity. It specifically request the courts, the law and government not to interfere. It considers any attempt by an outside authority to in any way limit...
  
  

• Slave Contract Three

  Below is a small excerpt of this contract...

  
  I, _____________________ hereinafter referred to as "slave", submit, of my own free will, to MASTER _________, hereinafter referred to as "MASTER", and agree to the following terms and conditions as stated in this Contract of Slavery.
  
  Article I
  I am a slave and the owned property of my MASTER.
  
  Article II
  I agree to complete and instant obedience of any command from my MASTER.
  
  Article III
  I agree to be trained in any manner my MASTER wishes.
  
  Article IV
  I agree to be used sexually in any manner my MASTER may choose.
  
  Article V
  I agree and will submit to any discipline or punishment my MASTER sees fit.
  
  

• Slave Contract Four

  Below is a small excerpt of this contract...

  
  1.0.0 Slave's Role
  

  The slave agrees to submit completely to the master in all ways. There are no boundaries of place, time, or situation in which the slave may willfully refuse to obey the directive of the master without risking punishment, except in situations where the slave's veto (see section 1.0.1) applies. The slave also agrees that, once entered into the Slavery Contract, their body belongs to their master, to be used as seen fit, within the guidelines defined herein. All of the slave's possessions likewise belong to the master, including all assets, finances, and material goods, to do with as they see fit. The slave agrees to please the master to the best of their ability, in that they now exist solely for the pleasure of said master.
  
  1.0.1 Slave's Veto
  The slave, where appropriate, holds veto power over any command given by the master, at which time they may rightfully refuse to obey that command. This power may only be invoked under the following circumstances, or where agreed by both master and slave:
  

  • Where said command conflicts with any existing laws and may lead to fines, arrest, or prosecution of the slave.
  • Where said command may cause extreme damage to slave's life, such as losing their job, causing family stress, etc.
  • Where said command may cause permanent bodily harm (see 4.0.0) to the slave.
  • Where said command may cause psychological trauma to the slave, such as a rape scene for a slave that has been raped in the past.

  
  2.0.0 Master's Role
  The master accepts the responsibility of the slave's body and worldly possessions, to do with as they see fit, under the provisions determined in this contract. The master agrees to care for the slave, to arrange for the safety and well-being o f the slave, as long as they own the slave. The master also accepts the commitment to treat the slave properly, to train the slave, punish the slave, love the slave, and use the slave as they see fit.
  
  

• Slave Contract Five

  Below is a small excerpt of this contract...

  
  Submission Agreement
  This document is the formal, total sexual submission agreement between Dom & sub.
  
  General Notes
  1. This contract is a 'living' document. In other words, it can be re-negotiated at any time, at the request of either sub or Dom's.
  [ Some latitude will be given to both sub and Dom, during the initial four weeks, as they both adjust to this agreement. ]
  2. This contract will be examined in detail at six monthly intervals.
  3. This contract may be temporarily suspended in the event of emergency or need for complete re-negotiation.
  4. It is freely entered into, by both signatories, after exhaustive negotiations.
  
  sub agrees to:
  1. Offer her complete sexual submission agreement to, within the pre discussed limits, as defined on the final page of this document.
  2. Obey, without question, any order given her by Dom (again, within the limits).
  3. Report for discussion anything she/he isn't happy with, as soon as possible.
  4. Accept any punishments awarded her/him for failure to obey orders. (Excepting that she/he may, at any time, ask for an explanation of the punishment.)
  5. Sleep naked, or partially clothed, according to Dom's instructions, at all times.
  6. Obey any instructions given her/him as to orgasm control exercises, clothing etc. This may be in the form of telephoned instructions, during the day, while Dom is at the office.
  
  

• Slave Contract Six

  Below is a small excerpt of this contract...

  
  Agreement of Service
  I, _________________ With free mind and open heart; do request of _______________. That he accept the submission of my will unto his and take me into his care and guidance, that we may grow together in love trust and mutual respect. The satisfaction of his wants, desires, and whims are consistent with my desire as a submissive to be found pleasing to him, To the end, I do offer him use of my time, talents, and abilities.
  
  Further, I ask, in sincere humility, that, as Master, he accept the keeping of my body for the fulfillment and enhancement of our sexual, spiritual, emotional and intellectual needs. To achieve this, he may have unfettered use of my body any time, anyplace in front of anyone; to keep or to give away, as he will determine.
  I ask that he guide me in any sexual, sensual, or scene related behavior, both together with and separated from him, in such a way as to further my growth as a person.
  
  I request _________________, as My Master, that he use the power vested in his role; to mold and shape me; assisting me to grow in strength, character, confidence, and being, and that he continue to help me develop my artistic and intellectual abilities.
  
  In return, I agree:
  

  • To obey his commands to the best of my ability.
  • To Strive to overcome feelings of guilt or shame, and all inhibition that interfere with my capability to serve him; and limit my growth as his submissive.
  • To maintain honest and open communication.
  • To reveal my thoughts, feeling and desires without hesitation or embarrassment.
  • To inform him of wants and perceived needs, recognizing that he is the sole judge of weather or how these shall be satisfied.
  • To strive toward maintenance of a positive self-image and development of realistic exceptions and goals.
  • To work with him to become a happy and self fulfilled individual.
  • To work against negative aspects of my ego and my insecurities that would interfere with advancement these aims.

  
  
  

• Slave Contract Seven

  Below is a small excerpt of this contract...

  
  01. On this, the ___ day of ________, 19___ I __________________ do hereby accept ___________________ as my Owner and Master and understand that by giving myself to him in this way that I am voluntarily giving up my freedom and accept with Love and Devotion, that from this day forward I shall be my Masters Property and will be kept as his; Slave, Servant, Pet, Submissive or any other role Master chooses for me. I accept him as my Owner and Master and vow to always obey any order given to me by my Master without hesitation or question. I am, however, allowed to make decisions in matters that involve my education or career after we have discussed it. In the event that we have children in the future I shall also have an equal say in there upbringing and education.
  
  02. I shall always refer to my Master as 'Master' when together in private or public around non-vanilla friends, otherwise he is to be referred to as 'Sir', other Dom's shall be refereed to as 'Sir' and Domes as 'Mistress'. When talking to others and referring to Master, I may refer to him as 'My Master' or 'My Owner' and always to refer to myself as HIS; 'Slave', 'Pet', 'Submissive', or 'Property'.
  
  03. I must wear my collar at all times, even in public. A collar suitable for work and public will be provided for me by my Master when deemed necessary. When in our home I am also to wear a short leash attached to my collar at all times, and at the discretion of my Master, I may also be kept at the end of a chain lead. When online my name or nick must always to be followed by my collar: _________. Upon returning home I am to immediately strip, then place on my cuffs and leash, then check for any notes with additional orders Master may have left for me.
  
  

Don't give out personal information about yourself to anyone else on-line -- especially to a stranger. Do NOT give out :

• Your Full name - Use first name or gender neutral handle
• Your Home address
• Where you live (If you live in a small town, don't identify it.)
• Your Social Security Number (SSNs can be used to steal someone's identity.)
• Any Passwords
• Any Credit card information
• Literally, ANY Personal Information that can be used to find or identify you!

NOTE: Even if you know and trust someone on-line, the Internet is not a secure venue for sharing this information.

• Create a "disposable" free email account -- from Yahoo, Microsoft, Google, etc., -- for anonymity and privacy. Use the account for receiving responses to your personal ad or sending responses to personal ads or posting to mailing lists and newsgroups.
  
• Don't respond to IM invitations or unsolicited emails from people unknown to you. Spammers and other desirable characters often send vague email messages with subjects such as "Haven't heard from you in a while." Just because someone wrote you, doesn't mean you need to reply anymore than you need to obey the orders of a stranger who says he's a dominant.
• Remove anything that identifies you or where you live from your profile(s).
• Lurk on mailing lists and in newsgroups: Don't start chatting right away. Sit back and observe.
• Read profiles when available.
• In Chat Rooms, check for WHOIS or WHO commands to find our more about other people on your channel. Caution: that information can be false.
• If you like what someone types or someone intrigues you, write that person privately: email, IM (Instant Messenger), private chat,etc.
• If someone harasses you through email, don't reply. That's likely to encourage them.
• Report any attacks or threats to police. Save offending messages for police and report them to your service provider.
• In on-line communication, you are doing without the auditory and visual cues that you have in a "R/T" (Real Time, Face to Face) meeting.

• "How long have you been in the scene?"
• "How long have you been in the local scene?"
• "Where else have you been involved in BDSM?"
• "How experienced are you?"
• "How did you start?"
• "What is it about BDSM or the scene that you enjoy most? The exchange of power? The role playing? The sensation? Something else entirely?"
• "Who/what are you looking for?"
• "What sort of relationship do you want?"
• "Are you friends with your past playmates?"
• "Have you ever made a mistake during a scene? What was it?"

• Disable caller ID feature so as to call anonymously
• Don't call collect - it will reveal your phone number
• Use a pager or a cell phone

NOTE: In case of emergency, store the word "ICE" in your cellular phone address book with the number of the person you would want to be contacted "In Case of Emergency." If you have more than one emergency contact use: ICE1, ICE2, ICE3, etc., In an emergency situation ambulance and hospital staff will be able to quickly contact your next of kin or designated emergency contact. (This practice was implimented in a national campaign in England launched by the East Anglian Ambulance Service following the London underground terrorist attacks.)


Ask your potential playmate for referrals. But be careful: Some predators have numerous on-line identities. Robinson would pose as multiple doms who would vouch for each other and even took over the email account and on-line identity of one of his missing slaves.

Ask around about your potential playmate. Ask numerous people. Opinions are often subjective and sometimes unfairly biased. When one or two opinions are extreme in one direction or another, consider the source.

Know the other person's legal name and check it out.

Know the other person's phone number, address, and place of employment.

If the other person claims to be a member of an elite organization, verify that the organization actually exists. Robinson claimed to be a leading member of the "International Council of Masters," a secret group that no one has ever heard of outside of the "Slavemaster" case. He claimed this elite society had been in existence since 1920 and had chapters throughout Europe and the United States. Except for the website Robinson had commissioned (A secret society with a website?) and a sensational television expose, there is no indication the group actually existed.

Use one of the many commercial on-line Background Check Services (Background Verification.)

Use a local sexual offender registry (Caution: Exclusion in the database is not proof that someone is harmless just as inclusion is not absolute proof that they're dangerous. Also, there are different types of sexual offenders. Someone who had sex with his 17 year old girl friend when he was 19 is not as dangerous as the man who abducted and raped numerous elementary school children when he was 35. But if you confront a sexual offender about his inclusion on the database and ask for his account, don't accept his explanation of the crime without verifying the facts. Criminals tend to lie.)

Run a search on your potential play partner in Google. The results will be incomplete and sometimes irrelevant -- right name / wrong person -- but it's remarkable what you can find. (Again, just because it's published on-line doesn't make it true.)


On the topic of dealing with on-line stalkers... Getting rid of an internet or phone harasser requires three simple steps. That is all. Do these three things and your pain in the ass will be gone. They work for any type of harassment, even people pushing their political views.

1. Ignore them. This seems simple but I have not met one woman in my life that did this and it didn't work. In fact, most women say they are ignoring it and they really aren't. Ignoring means hanging up the phone without comment. You don't yell at them, you don't explain why you are hanging up the phone, you don't do it nicely. You simply hang up, every time, as soon as you realize it's him. For example, he calls, you chat for a minute figuring out who's on the phone, you realize it's him. At this point most women do something like say, 'oh, I didn't know it was you.' You don't say anything, you simply hang up the damn phone, without emotion or passion, just hang it up. Ignoring also means you don't tell people. When you post on a list then he gets to read it and he knows you are thinking of him. It is good to privately tell the list hosts about the person so they can watch him or ban him. If he IMs you, you simply minimize it and ignore it. I don't recommend closing the IM because he'll try a few times and if it's just minimized then you don't have to see a new window pop up every time. Do not write a single word onto the IM. Do not ask him to stop IMing you. The same if he e-mails. This seems simple and most women tell me that they have done this, but they haven't really done it. In 99% of the cases it will work in two weeks. It may get worse for a few days because he's going to try very hard to get your attention, but he's a weak man and he won't keep it up for long.
2. The second thing you do is in case you have to do the 3rd thing. You document everything. Print out the IMs. Print out the e-mails. Keep a notepad next to the phone where you write down the times that he calls.
3. If you try number 1 for a full month and he is still contacting you more than once a day then you file a police report with all of your documentation. You never tell him you're going to file a police report, you just do it.

Some basic safety tips i have found useful that new submissives or subs returning to the scene may find helpful.

The bywords, bylaws and basic common sense of our lifestyle. In a perfect world everyone would abide by them and no one would be allowed into the lifestyle that violated them. Unfortunately with the explosion of the net and the particular style of our kink a lot of predators find the bdsm world fertile ground in which to find victims. From confidence tricksters, to rapists, to aggravated assaulters there are plenty of bad guys to go around and often they get away scott free to repeat their offenses again and again because the victims do not wish to be outed in the vanilla community. So i wanted to do an article with some tips and tricks that i've picked up along the way from others or developed myself.


This is generally what a safe series of events looks like:
Meet in a public place. Get there early, chat with the people who work there, you want them to remember you.
Arrange to have a friend call you at a certain time during the meeting to make sure you are okay.
Verify their identity. i always ask to see their driver's license and text the license number to my best friend. That way if i get abducted she has something to give the police. Being alive is more important to me than being in the closet. If you don't have anyone in your life that knows you are into the lifestyle just tell your friend you are going on a blind date and want to be safe. They'll compliment your judgment.(If the Dom doesn't want to show you their ID RUN! Now if they ask why you want to see it be honest. A responsible Dom won't have a problem with it. The first time i met Master i was so enamored of him he had to remind me to make my safecall and got out his ID without me even asking. Most responsible Dom's will INSIST you have a safe call.)
If you decide to go somewhere with the Dom do not ride in their car. Tell them you will follow them in yours. If they refuse turn around go back inside call your friend and wait for the guy to leave.
Text the plate number and description of the vehicle to your friend in either situation. Even if he's been helpful and honorable and everything seems great better safe than sorry.
When you meet to play make sure your friend knows the phone number and address of the place you are going to. Arrange for them to call you at that number at a predetermined time. Let the Dom know to expect the call so he/she can gauge the play in synch with that. You don't want to be in the middle of a fantastic scene flying and have to have a rational conversation with a third party. You may even want to have a predetermined phrase that let's the other person know that something is wrong. (i.e. If it's going well say "everything's great" but if the guy actually has a knife to your throat (not in a happy way) you say "everything's aces") If you don't answer the phone or you use your phrase that means something is wrong your safe call calls the police. Make it very clear to your safe call that they can't be gun shy about it because your life very well might be on the line. (Also you need to make sure that your safe call person is responsible. If you have a really great friend that happens to be a total flake, pick somebody else. Ideally someone in the lifestyle is best, but my safe calls have always been vanilla friends that knew about my kink. They don't even have to be in the same state, just make sure they have all the info for your local police before you go anywhere.)
After you have left and gotten home safe and sound call your friend to let them know that all went well. Have them expecting the call. Again if you don't report from home by a certain time 911!

This may seem like a lot but better inconvenienced than dead or maimed.

Some other less known but no less important safety tips:
Vet your play partners. I highly recommend belonging to a local munch or playgroup because they are great sources of information, education and are a lot of fun. It also gives you a place to bring the person if you aren't sure about them yet where they don't have to worry about being "outed" and if they have a history of bodies in the basement the local group may know. If they are really into the life they probably already belong to a group and if they don't will be happy to have somewhere to enjoy their kink socially. You'd do the same thing in a vanilla relationship, bring the boyfriend home to meet Mom Dad and Dad's shotgun or have him pick you up when coincidentally all of your girlfriends just happened to stop by, why not do it with someone who's planning on tying you up and beating you? Makes more sense not less.

Some submissives I've met even run credit and/or background checks. A lot of Dom's may want control of your finances, but before you hand over your bank account as well as your body make certain you know who you are handing it over to. Some Doms are fantastic at play but cannot balance a check book to save their life, maybe it is a skill of yours and a service you can offer up to them. You'll handle the finances as a tribute to them. But don't go into financial ruin just because you or your partner thinks the Dom has to be in charge of the money.

Find out about their real time experience. If they've never used a single tail or done fire play WHY are you signing up to be the dummy? You can't rely on the Dom to know everything, educate yourself. Find out what the safety tips for all different kinds of play are and how to use them effectively. We all start out inexperienced but that doesn't mean that we have to start out ignorant. Again this is where i recommend joining a local munch. Most are geared towards education and why wait until you have a Dom to start learning?

And lastly, listen to your gut. If that little voice in your head is screaming "RUN RUN RUN!" There's probably a reason why. It could be nerves, but if it is the Dom, they will respect that and be willing to keep it public until you are ready for more. If they aren't willing, then listen to the voice and keep yourself intact.

NEVER GIVE OUT PERSONAL INFORMATION ON-LINE OR IN AN E-MAIL.
Always let at least one person know where you are going, whom you will be with, and when you will be returning home. If your plans change, call the designated contact person and inform them.
. Always provide your own transportation, drive your car, or get a taxi if in a big city. Never get into their car. This allows you more control and the freedom to leave early, if it is not going well.
Take your cell phone and make sure it is fully charged. Leaving the contact person on speed dial is a good idea in case something goes bad.
When you are meeting a new person for the first time, stay in a highly visible public area.
Call the designated person and inform them of your arrival. Call again to provide them pertinent information if you are going to another place, like to dinner or for a drink. This should include, the destination, name, color, make and model of their car, and license number. Simply follow them to the new destination and make the call in route.
Tell the person during the conversation, that you have to make a call to a friend by a certain time to insure them that you have arrived safely. It will send the message that you are savvy, and that other people know your plans. It is good to have a 'pre-arranged' answer to a question, like if asked how is it going? If you reply "just peachy", they know to call you back in 5 minutes with an excuse for you to make your exit. You should also have a 'pre-arranged' answer to the same question that would indicate your friend should notify the Police IMMEDIATELY! This sounds like extreme paranoia, but consider a 'worst case' situation.
Follow your gut, if something seems weird, it probably is.
Have the means to pay for your meal, drink, etcetera, if you have to leave abruptly. Cash is recommended. If they accidentally left their wallet at home, suggest they wash dishes.
It is best not to drink alcoholic beverages; it will slow your reactions.
If you do drink, never leave your drink unattended, someone could slip something into your glass, like a date rape drug. It happens.
Continue to guard your personal information, your last name, the names of your kids, your place of employment, and home address. If the person is a predator all that information could be used to harass you.
Go home alone, do not be talked into going back to their place, or hotel room, and make sure you are not followed.
Call your contact person when you leave and when you arrive home.